Active listening, a practice deeply rooted in empathy and understanding, has become an indispensable tool in my life, both personally and professionally. However, it was during a compelling conversation with Melissa Burnell, a seasoned Behavioral Health Therapist, on my podcast, The Unbroken Place, that the profound impact and intricate nature of Deep Listening truly came to the forefront for me. As we navigated through the nuances of this practice, Melissa shared invaluable insights that not only broadened my perspective but also reinforced the critical importance of truly hearing those around us.
"I think, in deep listening, some of the biggest things are people tend to 1. listen to respond and 2. listen with a lot of their own perspective or assumptions already," Melissa began, her voice steady and thoughtful. This struck a chord with me. How often do we find ourselves formulating a response before the other person has even finished speaking? How frequently do our own biases and assumptions cloud the true essence of the speaker's message?
Melissa continued, "It's like, what are we missing? And when we are able to kind of set those things aside, it helps us really kind of listen to what is this person in front of me saying? What is my partner saying? What's their perspective? And how can I hear that perspective without making an assumption or formulating my response while I'm listening?"
Her words illuminated a fundamental truth: deep listening is not just about hearing words but about embracing the full spectrum of communication—verbal and nonverbal cues, emotions, and body language. It requires a conscious effort to suspend judgment and a willingness to receive new information with an open mind.
The conversation then shifted to the impact of deep listening on relationships. "When it comes to communication, it's what are we hearing the other person say, whether it's a partner, a colleague, whatever that looks like," Melissa explained. "It's what is the other person actually saying and how can we grasp that? So a lot of times it's listening, but then reflecting back what we heard, which is a lot of like the active listening piece."
Reflecting back what we hear not only ensures accuracy but also validates the speaker's experience. It shows that we are fully engaged and genuinely interested in their perspective. This, in turn, fosters trust and deepens the connection.
"Then also really setting aside that, what are the emotions behind what the person's saying? What is the body language saying? Really kind of being in that mindful space where you're able to catch all that they're saying to you," she added. This level of attentiveness requires emotional intelligence and mindfulness, as it involves not only understanding the speaker's words but also tuning into their emotional state and physical cues.
One of the most significant barriers to deep listening is distractions. "We live in a world full of disruptions and so you constantly hear your phone is right there so if you feel it buzzing or you hear it, the constant attention to whatever is going on around you," Melissa pointed out. This resonated deeply with me, especially in today's hyper-connected world where our attention is constantly pulled in multiple directions.
"Many times even just not being present, which is really hard, right? Because we live in a world of distractions and we are constantly thinking. We are in this mode of I have to work all the time, I have to do all the time, and people struggle to just focus in or tune in to what another person is saying."
To overcome these barriers, we must cultivate mindfulness and practice being fully present in our interactions. This means putting away our phones, silencing notifications, and dedicating our full attention to the speaker. It also involves being aware of our own internal responses and managing them effectively to stay engaged.
The conversation took a profound turn as we discussed the impact of trauma on one's ability to listen deeply. "People who have experienced trauma tend to be very hypervigilant. And in that they're constantly seeking something to go wrong or something that is," Melissa explained. This hypervigilance can make it challenging for individuals to fully engage in conversations, as their minds are often preoccupied with potential threats or past traumas.
As someone who has worked with trauma survivors, Melissa highlighted the importance of recognizing this hypervigilance and addressing it with empathy and patience. "If I know that I am hypervigilant on some things, it's that awareness, but then it's also how do I recognize is this hypervigilance that I'm experiencing when I'm having this conversation with someone?" she shared.
Supporting someone who has experienced trauma involves creating a safe space where they feel heard and validated. It requires asking thoughtful questions and genuinely listening to their responses without judgment.
Benefits of Practicing Deep Listening
The benefits of deep listening are manifold, impacting both personal and professional relationships in profound ways. Here are some key benefits:
Enhanced Understanding: Deep listening allows us to gain a clearer and more accurate understanding of the speaker's perspective, reducing misunderstandings and fostering better communication.
Increased Empathy: By fully engaging with the speaker's emotions and experiences, we cultivate empathy, which strengthens our connections and promotes compassion.
Improved Relationships: Trust and intimacy are built on the foundation of feeling heard and understood. Deep listening enhances these aspects, leading to more fulfilling and harmonious relationships.
Conflict Resolution: By listening deeply, we can address underlying issues and resolve conflicts more effectively. It helps us identify the root causes of disagreements and work towards mutually beneficial solutions.
Emotional Intelligence: Practicing deep listening enhances our emotional intelligence by improving our ability to recognize and manage our own emotions and those of others.
Personal Growth: Engaging in deep listening fosters self-awareness and personal growth. It encourages us to examine our biases and assumptions, leading to greater self-improvement.
As our conversation drew to a close, I asked Melissa about measuring progress in deep listening. "A lot of it is measuring compassion and empathy. Making sure that the person that I'm trying to communicate with, do they feel that I am offering compassion? That I'm offering empathy in what they are trying to relay," she explained.
It's about the feeling you create in the other person. When someone feels truly heard and understood, they will often express it. They might say, "I feel like you really listened to me" or "You just get me." These sentiments are indicators that you are on the right track.
In our lives where distractions are ubiquitous and genuine connection is becoming increasingly rare, deep listening emerges as a powerful practice that can transform our relationships and our lives. By committing to this practice, we can create a ripple effect of understanding, empathy, and compassion, fostering a more connected and harmonious communities.
Reflecting on my conversation with Melissa Burnell, I am encouraged by the profound impact that deep listening can have. It is not just a skill to be developed but a way of being that enhances every aspect of our lives. I hope this conversation has encouraged you to strive to listen more deeply, with an open heart and mind, and embrace the transformative power of truly hearing one another.
Resources:
How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships (How to be More Likable and Charismatic) by Patrick King
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry
You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy
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